Superheroes battling clichés. Now that would be unusual


How come all superheroes are so weird and predictable? Spider-Man: Homecoming hit the big screens in the US very recently and, naturally, the critics were praising another outing of a man in a silly costume who could have done something worthwhile with his life but opted for looking for trouble and finding it with remarkable ease.

Superheroes usually obtain their superpowers as a result of some stupid occurrence, like getting bitten by a spider, as it happened to Spider-Man in the beginning of his adventures, or struck by lightning, exposed to radiation or turned into freaks as a result of some experiment going badly wrong. Mind you, some are simply born superheroes and find out about them by chance.

And from that moment they become superheroes it all becomes one long cliché: we get to see our superhero slowly realise that he possesses unique powers, even though it is abundantly clear that he is a freak, and then doubts start to creep in whether he would be up to it, and an idiotic sounding name pop up in the narrative, to reflect his newly acquired powers. Bizarre looking outfits follow, a silly superheroish voice is introduced sitting on tall buildings looking at the horizon with a sense of purpose becomes a must. And it is only a matter of time before a serious adversary appears on the scene out of nowhere and the dreary contest that runs for way too long begins, with a lot of collateral damage thrown in.

Naturally, all of these superheroes are indestructible and can withstand pretty much any inconvenience imposed on them by the evil superheroes, who are also indestructible, but up to a point, until the good guys uncover a weakness in their armour and finish them off.

Strange, this established sets of clichés that seem to haunt all superheroes. No attempt on their part to do and say something original, and maybe even blend into the scenery and cunningly keep a low profile. Why does it always have to be very noisy, very in your face, very obvious and very high profile? It’s like each of them is saying: “Gather round, people, a new superhero has arrived. Get ready to be amazed.”

And the weirdest thing of all is that all superheroes for some reason concentrate a lot of their efforts on really silly acts of courage. They either go after a thief who has snatched a handbag from an old woman on the street or make a big deal out of saving a puppy from the path of a passing cyclist or perform some other deed that would have been better left to a member of the general public to perform. Who needs superpowers if you don’t use them to do something extraordinary?

And then there’s the love interest: why is it that superheroes always fall for the most average looking and annoying females imaginable? Are they blind or what? And why would a superhero need to get mixed up with a chick anyway? I can understand if they are Captain Orgasmo or Erection Man, these guys would obviously need to have their Bill Clinton moments as often as possible. But as for the rest, like Dead Pool, or the whole X-Men collective, or Batman, or Superman – why do they need to go after some very average looking women? Especially as the bad guys are bound to snatch them at some point and then makes silly demands while they scream their heads off.

The very concept of superheroes has lost its sparkle over the years. They look stupid, to be honest. Not to mention that the bad guys they confront always seem to have very strange agendas that don’t really make much sense, if you consider that they are hell bent on destroying the whole world whilst they exist in that very same world. And demands for huge pay-outs also look bizarre on the part of the baddies, considering that money wouldn’t really be all that handy if the world is blown to bits. And why would any nasty superhero ask for money if he can simply get it from a bank, at night, using his superpowers?

It’s time for superheroes either to pack it in or come up with some really crazy stunts, like battling clichés, for example. Imagine, no silly names, no weird outfits, no tights with hardly any genitals showing underneath, no screaming chicks, no idiotic thoughts whether it’s a good idea to be a superhero or not. Just men, and women, with superpowers, looking like ordinary people but performing extraordinary things. Now that would be unusual.