Test Your Sausages, Those Penis-Shaped Objects, Before You Eat Them


Have you been buying and, even more importantly, eating sausages lately? You know, those penis-shaped objects in plastic packs? The ones that are labelled as containing no less than 70 per cent meat? (That’s the upmarket version, mind you. The cheaper brands may tumble all the way down to 40 per cent meat content.)

Yes, there were times when these hot favourites of any family meal – collective meal or individual, with each family member eating in his or her room – were really tasty. Yummy, as they used to say. You put a couple of those babies into simmering hot water and, once they were ready, put them on a plate beside mash or peas and felt good by just looking at them. They looked tasty and they even had a distinct whiff of a smell of meat about them.

Not anymore. Nope, the days of great tasting sausages sold in supermarkets are gone. Out of the window. No sign of those great times anywhere.

So what happened, you may ask? What is wrong with the modern sausage? It looks a lot like the sausage of old, does it not? The colour is slightly lighter, you would argue, but the sausage is still the same length and shape – penis like – and has a whiff of smell of, well, something. And it can be kept in the fridge for a month.

The problem with the modern sausage – and I mean the sausage that you buy in supermarkets, ready packed – is that it has lost a lot in terms of quality. It is now made out of mince that includes many things that I do not want to mention here. It is still 70 per cent meat in the upmarket category, but it is meat not as we know it.

So here is a test for all of you: buy a pack of sausages in a supermarket, take out the sausages and put them into simmering hot water, keeping them there for several minutes. Take the sausages out of the water and put them on a plate. Give them about 10 minutes to lie there all by themselves. Watch the sausages get all wrinkly, like an old man’s penis, if you pardon the comparison. Taste them and you will feel as if you are chewing toilet paper. The hot water, you see, would have evaporated by then and left the ‘70 per cent’ meat all by its little old self.

You will find, my friends, that the sausages you have bought were already dead. In a sense that they were not really proper sausages.

The problem is that big companies have long ago realised that you can actually raise prices on groceries by changing their content and improving the recipe. You write the magical words on the label ‘new improved recipe’ and get away with murder. You can also change the size of the product, cut down the meat content or, my personal favourite, you can say that is ‘half fat’ but charge exactly the same price as for full fat.

This is very clever, that last one. You take out half the goodness of the product but you keep the price exactly the same.

Wonderful. Even bankers look like pussycats with their rip-off schemes compared to that.

So I say to you people: test your sausages, those penis shaped objects, before you eat them. And don’t expect meat in them to be all that, you know, meaty.