R U Good At It? Sex that is


Let me first tell you how courtship is described in one wisdom allegedly uttered by a Buddhist monk about two thousand years ago: it’s when one hole persuades another hole to get access to a third or fourth hole – or both.

Not bad, eh? Rude, but funny. And in case you didn’t get it, it’s basically about a guy convincing a female, through the now forgotten art of conversation, I hasten to add, to get access to the parts of her body that, you know, interest him most of all.

Anyway, too many people these days seem to be saying that they know things about sexual intercourse that no one else does. R U Good At It, they ask, sounding like that late pop star Prince, who was obsessed with sex and told about it in his own oddball way, and then unleash a torrent of such stupidity that it becomes clear that they have never actually had proper intercourse in their entire life. But people still listen to this drivel and actually try things out in the privacy of their bedrooms that they were told would make them ‘better lovers’. And it all usually ends in tears, or in loud hysterical laughter, but the stupid search for the secrets of fulfilling sex continues and the sex industry – yes, it’s now a full-fledged industry – keeps on making tens of billions out of the stupidity of so many.

Idiot celebs keep that interest of the masses in ‘creative intercourse’ burning, by their ‘frank’ admissions about their ‘crazy’ antics in the bedroom that sound as if they were drunk or stoned and used all sorts of strange objects and trying out all sorts of weird positions that basically have nothing to do with sexual intercourse. Most of celebs are complete morons, so that you know, and when it comes to their secrets of a fulfilling sex life, you would be best advised to ignore them. Most of them are impotent anyway from all the drugs and the alcohol and frantic masturbation.

Let’s get one thing straight: sex is greatly overrated by people who either have no idea about it or who make money out of it. It’s no big deal really and there’s practically nothing you need to know about it in order to enjoy it. The concept is very simple and even an total idiot can understand the logistics and where all the major points of penetration are. The only thing to remember is that unlike wild beasts, humans need to avoid having sexual intercourse with members of their own families and total strangers and reach a certain age when it all becomes appropriate, both physically and mentally.

The Horny Mafia that consists of people who obsess about sex because they don’t get much of it, if any at all, would make you believe that intercourse is so important that if you don’t think about it all the time then something is seriously wrong with you. That is why you have all those revolting looking sex therapists banging on about ‘healthy sex lives’ that seem to be all about f..king everything that moves. Absurd advice is given by these creeps, who insist that you need to experiment more, be brave in the bedroom, or in some other environment, to supposedly make your sex life more exciting. Some ancient books are plugged from the past or made up, including, of course, the never ending volumes of Kama Sutra, the art of being an idiot in the bedroom, and presented as if it’s all about the wonderful way couples can pleasure each other. Even more idiotic suggestions are provided that include elements of yoga and meditation, to supposedly ‘extend’ the intercourse and turn it into some never-ending pleasure cruise.

Yoga, by the way, according to the ancient wisdom. was devised to kill time in a seemingly purposeful way, while meditation was developed by the monks in the Himalayas, to make masturbation more fun. I thought I’d tell you that before you rush to buy some rubbish manual on tantric sex that is plugged by some celebs who suffer from erectile problems and side effects of numerous STDs.

Which brings me to people who bang on how they have a great sex life, even when they reach a certain age when sex should really be the last thing on their mind, or what’s left of it. Let me put it this way: the first sign of trouble in the bedroom for any couple comes when they start telling others how great sex between them is. The moment it happens, you can be rest assured that things have gone downhill and pretty much nothing’s going on of any relevance in the intercourse department. It’s the same with couples showing their affection in public, apart from horny teenagers, of course, who smooch and touch each other in public because they have nowhere else to go to do it. So when I see people of a certain age fondling each other in front of others or heat them talk about their great sex, you can be rest assured that alarm bells are ringing in their bedrooms – and it’s not the smoke alarm..

Good sex comes in moderation, a wise man once said. So take these words on their merit. It’s when you don’t obsess about sexual intercourse that it becomes enjoyable. Otherwise, it turns into an obligation, with pressure to perform well building up, and it usually ends in pretty much a dreary ending. As they say, nothing to write home about.