How to write a bestseller. In the days when reading habits have changed


If you’re an aspiring writer and plan to write a bestselling book then look no further. Yes, we at Scoop have all the answers for you.

The first thing to remember is that you don’t need a plot in your book as such. Just look at all those classics who had toiled for months and sometimes even years, coming up with fancy storylines. Fat lot of good it did them, eh? No one reads classics nowadays, no one! I bet if you stop a thousand people on the street and ask them what they’ve been reading recently, you’ll find that most of them are into celeb biographies, soft porn, trashy thrillers, chick-lit or books about vampires, flesh-eating aliens, witches and wizards or gardening and cooking. Only one or two might tell you that they’ve actually heard of someone who had once read a classical book – or saw a classical book.

The most important thing in a modern bestseller is not the plot or the characters but a great-looking cover that has some hot babes on it or a tough guy with bulging muscles, twisting somebody’s neck or firing from a machine gun. It’s always a good idea to slap the words ‘The new international bestseller’ on the front, even if you haven’t sold a single copy yet. The back cover needs to promise a lot of action, sex, or both, and include a couple of juicy quotes by some obscure publication praising the book for steamy sex scenes and non-stop action. And, of course, you need a catchy title, something like Death At Midnight, Happy Strangler, The Pussy Lickers, The Adventures Of The Bouncy Penis, Slurping Vaginas, Flesh-Eating Caterpillars or Vampire Chronicles, to get the book noticed.

And then there’s the F-word, of course. Boy, does swearing do wonders for selling books! People like that sort of thing. They feel it makes the book controversial, modern and even edgy. The moment they see an F-word in a book, even out of context, they know they can expect a good read. And if the F-word appears regularly and is mixed with a lot of casual sex, drinking and drug taking, not forgetting graphic violence, then you can be rest assured your readers will be gripped till the very last page and wait anxiously for the sequel.

Some writers shy away from using the F-word or graphic scenes of sex and violence in the first chapter, risking to pushing their readers to despair by the lack of gritty realism. And some writers even keep their readers waiting till the second or even third chapters for the F-word to appear. And that puts a lot of people off, especially considering that the plot is absent, the characters are two-dimensional and the dialogues are not much better than in trashy TV sitcoms. So aspiring authors shouldn’t be afraid to whip out that F-word right from the very start and have some horny bastard eating pussy on the first page – to keep the readers interested.

Descriptions of nature should be short and sweet. People don’t like long fancy descriptions of dawn breaking, night falling or sun shining and birds singing. Things like, ‘It was pissing with rain…’ or ‘The weather was shitty that day…’ would work well for lovers of a good read, without overburdening their imagination. Or, if you’re really progressive and modern, skip descriptions of nature altogether and stick to urban scenes and dialogues. And people swearing a lot and drinking and having sex.

Don’t worry if you run out of steam by page 100 or earlier – most readers don’t really venture that far. You can easily get away these days by lapsing into total drivel halfway through your book, although some bestselling authors say they actually get away with meaningless rubbish from the very start, as long as there are enough F-words included. Some novels became famous and even turned into movies mostly because they had a lot of swearing in them.

Will there come a time when books would come out with pages filled with F-words and nothing else and still become bestsellers? No doubt about it.