How to use your mobiles to come across as having a life

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If you’re one of those persons who don’t really have a life and don’t know all that many people who would agree to hang out with you or even talk to you then help is at hand. Yes, it’s the mobile phone that is probably the best ever invention for anyone without a life to pretend that they actually have one.

The first thing about a mobile phone of a person with no life is that it has to be the very latest iPhone or Samsung, otherwise oit would be tough to prove that you have a life rich in diversity and cool people hanging out with you. Push button phones are out of the question, if only it’s not a Vertu phone. But the problem with Vertu is that people can’t really tell from a distance that it costs several grand, or even more, and you might still come across as an uncool idiot. You basically have to have a fancy car thrown in with your Vertu, to make an impression, and that might prove to be difficult.

Right, so once you have a fancy latest mobile phone you need to hold it in a way that people can see that it’s the latest coolest model. You then have to train yourself to have that look of a man or a woman who is expecting a call to come through any minute, to prove that you a busy person and people want to talk to you. And let’s assume that a call does come through. The proper procedure in this case is to let the phone ring for as long as possible, having switched off the voice mail, to let that fancy ring-tone do the business. This attracts attention of people around you which is crucial. Then, after say 10 rings, you push that green button and say loudly and clearly: “Hello…, yes, it’s me…, yes I can talk now…, I’m fine, thanks, very busy, but fine…, now tell me about this deal you have in mind.”

Three things come out of this: people actually call you, so it means you matter and have a life. You are a busy man or woman, and you receive lots of calls. And, most importantly, you are involved in business. Doesn’t matter if it’s your mother calling, you still can use the occasion to convince the people around you that you are important. And have a life. Ma will forgive you.

Then comes the proper procedure of letting the world know that you have received a text, even if you didn’t receive one and probably never will. You peer at your mobile, coughing loudly or making some other noise that would attract people’s attention, and then, looking at the phone, say something like: “Well, that’s not unexpected, they’re giving me another pay rise! Second in a month. Could have called instead of sending me a text.” Or it can be something like: “Women, eh? I leave her for half an hour and she starts sending me texts.” (Women can say this about their supposed male love interest.)

As a serious attention puller you might mention, sort of casually but loudly, that it was some night of passion that you’re informed about in a text, uttering something along the following lines: “Wow, that was five times we did it last night! And I only remember the first and the third time!”


Emails are good as well. Lots of things can be said out loud when you peer into your phone for a few seconds, pretending to read the supposed email. Just say what comes to your head or use the same phrases as mentioned above. Or you can pretend that someone had invited you to a party in an email and you can announce, to no one in particular, that you’ve really had enough of parties and won’t probably go to this one. Or maybe you will go, but won’t stay long there as you have ‘hot date’ later in the evening. With two women at once, if you really want people to think you’re super-cool.

Finally, if you have no friends and no life you may still call yourself from your other mobile phone, keeping it hidden in your bag or your pocket, and pretend to have a conversation and say things that would make you look cool.

Mobile phones are not just some gadgets for communicating with others. It’s a means to be seen as having a life. Of sorts.

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