Let’s be blunt for once. Young men, say up to 30 years of age, can technically wear whatever they want and get away with looking like total retards. It’s the sign of the times, you see, for the young people. The more you look like a vagrant or a village idiot the more modern young females seem to like you and think that you’re cool, progressive and worth a closer inspection. Trying doing smart when you’re in your twenties and you’ll be treated as a moron who’s got nothing to offer. I would even go as far as saying that men under 40 are still with a strong chance of getting away with pretty stupid clothes, shoes and haircuts. Not to mention with talking total rubbish.
But when 40 hits them, men can no longer afford to continue looking like idiots. Ladies start to get all sorts of ideas, you see, and might even suspect that something is not right and that erectile problems might be kicking in and strange behavioural patterns are taking over.
So, with all of this in mind let me refresh some of the suggestions for men of a mature disposition that have been developed by a team of designers who are not in touch with their feminine side and know what men need.
The first thing is not to be seen as trying too hard to impress people around you. I know, I know, it’s not easy when you have nothing else to boast about, but following every whim of the fashion industry is not a good idea and makes you look, well, like an idiot, to be honest. Not to mention that when you’re over 40 what you wear becomes less relevant compared to what you are and what you say.
And here’s a rule for all you guys moving into your fifties: never wear running shoes as casual wear. You will look like idiots, make no mistake about it. Especially as there are plenty of great looking casual leather shoes on offer that don’t make your feet smell like some cheese that went bad. No man over 40 has ever manages to look decent in running shoes, apart from when he’s jogging or exercising. And once we are talking about sportswear never put on track suits when you go about your business. This is idiocy at its gravest. This is the Everest of idiocy in fashion for men over 40. You might as well have the sign ‘Idiot’ emblazoned on your back, front and sides.
Which brings me to blue jeans, for no specific reason other than that so many men over 40 seem to be wearing them these days, some with trainers and the seriously mentally challenged with cowboy boots. Boy oh boy does that make a mature guy look like an idiot! You might just as well go about wearing those shortened trousers that so many male plebs love so much, or shorts and flip-flops.
It’s smart and casual smart that prevent you looking like an idiot when you pass the 40 year mark. So here’s the basic rules for looking smart and casual smart.
- Never wear a dark suit with brown or grey shoes. A dark suit only goes with black shoes.
- Avoid wearing striped ties with a striped shirt, if you don’t want to resemble a farmer or a junior banker from a provincial town or a trade union official.
- Don’t wear striped suits with striped shirts. They just don’t go well together. But barely noticeable stripes are a different matter.
- Never wear bright coloured suits in the autumn or winter, it’s a pleb thing. You’ll always look out of place and risk being taken for a provincial cardsharp, or a village idiot on a trip to a big city.
- Always wear a decent looking tie. It says a lot about you. Ideally ties should be of one colour or striped, preferably in different shades of blue or brown. Although red and yellow ties of certain shades can be great as well. But no images of any sort on your ties, please. Don’t be that stupid.
- Don’t overdo it with flashy colours. It just doesn’t work for men over 40. In fact, it doesn’t work for anyone, apart from drug dealers and the new rich who have no taste.
- Start wearing jackets on most occasions once you reach 40. They will make you look sportier, even when that belly starts to show. But never, I stress, never button up on all buttons: in the case of a two-button jacket you button up only on the top one and in case of three buttons use the one in the middle.
- If you are colour blind, stick to conservative blue, brown or grey with the shirts and ties in livelier colours, adding a bit of excitement to the overall appearance.
- Stay away from three button suits and jackets. They make most men, even young ones, look like pimps or waiters. No offence to pimps, of course. Two button suits make men look slimmer.
- Always wear comfortable underwear that is not too tight. Tight underwear might produce the same effect as constant cycling does to males. A bad effect.
- And, lastly, something outside fashion altogether: Avoid driving fancy open top sports cars when you reach 40. People will instinctively suspect you of having erectile problems, or a very small penis – or both.