Hellraising sure ain’t what it used to be


Let’s face it, folks, hellraising these days ain’t what it used to be. No style in it any more, no class, no imagination. Now it’s all about drinking way too much, taking dope or both and then going berserk and making a fool of yourself, while loud crappy music plays in the background and people gyrate to it, laughing hysterically without any provocation whatsoever, to convince themselves they’re raising hell. Copulating with people you’ve just met, animal like, also seems to be part of modern hellraising. The whole point is to do something outrageous and very stupid, solely to compensate the fact that you can’t come up with anything original or say something of interest.

I, personally, blame the trend setters in hellraising who are in the public eye, the brain dead pop stars, the barely educated Hollywood actors, the professional athletes and celebs generally with not a hint of any intelligence in them. Not forgetting the modern royals, who should have been giving everyone a masterclass in classy hellraising, but all they come up with is drinking way too much, occasionally taking dope, dating seriously undesirable people and dressing down as if they are some plebs. And that’s just the female royals, mind you.

Take the British Royal Family and its younger generation, like Billy and Harry, as they are known lovingly among their fans, or princes William and Harry, as they go by their official status: these two alone have managed to produce some absolutely pathetic hellraising, frequenting seedy nightclubs, getting drunk there and then stumbling out in the early hours, looking like drunken sailors. Billy eventually ended up marrying a woman, who is about as suitable to be queen as a drag act from Soho, and Harry stuck to his habit of leading a posse of friends on a night out, popping into several nightclubs, getting smashed there on vodkas and champagne, while hardly talking to each other in the process, just nodding in tune with some crappy rap tune or joining the crowd and gyrating to it.

And then there are the pop stars who are even worse than royalty. Once they get their first hit they think it obliges them to start behaving like total idiots. It’s the notoriety factor, you see. Pop stars have to be seen as notorious. So these degenerates start hitting the party scene big time, getting drunk and stoned and having sex with groupies or, if they are sissies, making up stories about their hellraising that all amount to listing the same stupid activities already mentioned. Countless non-events follow one after another, with nothing said or done of any interest, apart from an occasional tantrum or staged bust-up and somebody throwing up or smashing a window.

And actors are exactly the same in this respect, having no brains to come up with anything original, sticking to alcohol, dope and hookers while playing loud crappy music and gyrating to it. And, naturally, going into rehab, very publicly, as if it is a badge of honour that confirms their hellraising credentials.

With professional athletes, who get paid millions these days but remain uneducated peasants, just like pop stars and actors, it is exactly the same. Boring meaningless acts of excess when nothing is said of any interest, with a lot of alcohol and dope is consumed, casual sex performed with groupies who treat these lowlifes as idols. Athletes also like to gamble a lot and see this as part of their hellraising lifestyle..

The filthy rich, most of whom are idiots and make their money because they were in the right place at the right time, or are bent as hell, have no idea about class or style when it comes to hellraising, so they copy the groups mentioned above or, even more hilariously, re-enact scenes from movies that are directed by short men with Italian sounding names who have no idea what hellraising is about so make up the most appalling rubbish imaginable involving lots of alcohol, drugs, prostitutes, animals and even dwarfs performing silly stunts. The filthy rich have money to burn but have no style, class or sense of good or any taste so, naturally, they drink a lot, smoke weed or take coke, gyrate to loud music and mix with loose women. Lots of unprovoked laughter is registered and then all week they search the gossip columns to see whether their hellraising got a mention..

Classy hellraising is not about blowing tonnes of cash on drink, dope and casual sex and it’s not about being rude in front of your friends to waiters, barmen and hotel staff who can’t answer you back. Proper old-fashioned stylish hellraising is all about being original, having something funny to say, being able to conduct a conversation and, most importantly, holding your drink well. It’s about introducing something spectacular, like getting a famous opera singer to perform – yes, opera not some brain dead-pop star – and even holding an auction of a drawing you did earlier, to raise money to save some poor kids from dying, and being witty and original and not needing dope to get a high.

If you turn into an idiot after a bottle a wine or a sniff of coke, like it happens to most high-profile hellraisers nowadays, and start behaving like a baboon on steroids, then you’re no hellraiser. You’re just an idiot who only thinks that he’s a hellraiser. You’re no fun to be with, you’re boring and the best thing for you would be to piss off somewhere and sleep it over. And you’d be better off staying at home, or at your castle, if you’re a prince, getting drunk all by yourself.

  • Dom Radom

    “occasionally taking dope”-Alexander Nekrassov, what are you even trying to say here?
    What a trash article, no wonder I have never visited scoop.com before